Eternal Rest Grant Unto Them O Lord....

The feast of All Souls is celebrated on November 2nd.  It's a day we remember to pray for those who have died.  We remember and pray for the poor souls in purgatory, all unborn babies, and our friends and relatives who have passed away.  It's a good reminder how short our life is here on this earth and that heaven is for all of eternity.  

This year on the actual feast day, we had some crazy weather.  It started with a mix of lightning and thunder, rain, and then ended with a beautiful snowfall.  Needless to say, I wasn't going to be able to surprise the kids again and take them for pie at the cemetery.  I'm glad that we waited, because the very next day it was a lovely, chilly, fall day.  The sun was shining, and although it was cold, it was perfect.   

I had the kids called out of class again and we went over to the cemetery where Joseph is buried.  We ate a yummy, warm, fall lunch among the babies who have died and then wandered over to the older part of the cemetery.

I walk around quietly, watching the kids run from headstone to headstone to check out who can find the oldest grave there.  They are running and loud amongst the stillness of the cemetery.  I don't mind it at all.  It makes me grateful that they are full of life, even though I am reminded that we will all die one day.  

"Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, and perpetual light shine upon them.  May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen."

A Day to Celebrate

Dear Joseph,
Today you would have turned one year old.  One year.  It's so very hard to believe that I would have a chubby legged, waddle walking, one year old around.  But God had different plans for your short little life.  And as always, He knows what's best for us.  Although I miss you terribly and will always feel the void that not having you with us brings, I am so thankful for all that you have taught us, and all the beauty that God has shown us, by not getting to have you. And it is so much easier this August 11th than last, as I'm sure each passing year will be.  Time is a perfect healer.  I will never forget you and we now have established a beautiful tradition in our family so that we can always remember your little life.

Mass was offered for you this morning and I felt such peace sitting there in the pew with my children all scrunched around me, knowing that you were in heaven.  And having such a compassionate priest at our parish who came up to me afterwards and asked if today was Joseph's birthday, was such a comfort to me.  After mass, we headed to the cemetery to celebrate your birthday, the day you would have been born.  And boy did we celebrate...I drove through McDonald's to get breakfast sandwiches.  The kids were thrilled!  We laid out our blanket, and while I passed out juices and egg bagels, I soaked in the morning sun that was streaming in through the trees, and I watched them eat.  We prayed for the repose of your soul, and even sang a loud happy birthday to you....I am comforted in the fact that our children know you.  They know they have a brother in heaven and that we celebrate your life.

We have yet to get the marker that has your name on it.  It is something that I terribly want, but we just never seem to get done.  We know the general area where you are buried, but I want to be able to leave flowers, and anything else the kids want to at your grave.  Instead, we walk around and look at the other children who are buried there and pray for them, especially the ones we know.

Life is such a gift.  I know that phrase is so over used, but I mean it in all honesty.  We are guaranteed nothing.  Every single day is another gift that God has given to us.  My marriage is a gift, each child we have is a gift, our health is a gift and time is a gift.  The time that we spend with our children is no guarantee.  Some we will get fifty years with, and others we will get 10 weeks.  May I never get so accustomed to being with our children, and more focused on the mundane tasks of the day, that I forget they are a gift to us.

One Year Ago.

Even though I am tired, I can't sleep.  One year ago, at this very moment, I was being whisked away from our house on a very cold and snowy night, in an ambulance.  One year ago, this night, I miscarried Joseph.  It was around 11:00pm and TJ and I were together, our children asleep upstairs.  We got to hold and see our precious fifth child.  I've never experienced such heart wrenching sadness with losing a child and never getting to know him, such fear about what was happening to my body, and such amazement in seeing his tiny body.....all wrapped in one.  I was riding this wave of emotions, as I'm sure every mother does who loses a child.

As I was kneeling down tonight, thinking and talking with God, I kept wondering WHO he would have been.  He would be almost six months old.  Would he have looked like George and Thomas?  Would he have been fat  like my other babies?  Would Evelyn look different to me, not being the youngest anymore?  Would he have any allergies?  Would he even have been a HE?  I didn't know for certain that he was a boy..... 

TJ said tonight that it feels like more than a year has passed since then.  Time is such a funny thing.  How different the same night can be one year later.  I do know that I am trying with all my might to let God direct and lead me.  I am trying like hell, to surrender my plan to His.  Why is that so hard?  I thought for sure.... for sure, that I would have been pregnant by now.  That we would somehow have been rewarded quickly with another child after losing Joseph.  I'm not pregnant.  It doesn't always work that way.

I know that I desperately want to be content with what God gives me.  After all, He knows....He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega.  Could I possibly know better?  I don't want to miss out on what He is giving me, by always wanting something else. 

My life is full.  And I am blessed.

Two Beautiful Days

There is so much richness and depth to our faith. Not only do we love and adore God, but we also love and seek guidence and help from His Blessed Mother, Mary. She is the perfect example of love and obedience to God's will. She is the only person born without original sin, she is.....perfect. We also get to learn from the thousands of saints who have walked this earth before us. Many were killed because of their belief in God, many did nothing more than just love God really, really, well. All of them have left us an example to follow of how to have courage, trust, faith, and a deep love for God. We can learn so much from the saints, and each November first when we celebrate All Saints Day, I'm reminded more and more of how much I love these holy men and women.

I love to celebrate All Saints Day. I've started a tradition in our home that every year on All Saints Day, each child gets a new saint to add to our collection. I set them all up the night before so that when they come downstairs in the morning, they are greeted by a heavenly host of saints. This year we added, St. Anthony, St. Joseph, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, and Our Lady of Fatima.

We tried something new this year. About a week before All Saints Day, I asked Thomas and Annie if they wanted to do a surprise saint report and share it with our family. They could draw or create their saint and then write a four sentence report on him or her. We then had to guess who the saint was that they had picked. It was darling to watch them write in private so that no one could see what saint they picked.

Annie went first. Can you guess?

Saint Catherine Laboure.

Thomas' was a bit more tricky....

St. Dymphna. That's the devil under her foot in case you are wondering! I was so proud of them and they really had fun too.

I think heaven must look something like this......

And then, the very next day, on November 2nd we celebrate All Souls Day. A day to remember those who have died and to pray for the poor souls in purgatory. I've always wanted to make this a special day. It's our job, after all, to pray for the dead so that they may reach heaven. Thomas has learned this beautiful prayer at school that they pray each day to release souls from purgatory. Once I heard him praying it over and over at home. I asked him why he kept praying that prayer and he said that each time he prays it, thousands of souls are released from purgatory. He was trying to count up how many souls got to heaven.

Today, I wanted to surprise Thomas and Annie. Something that Thomas has always wanted to do is to have his name be called on the intercom and be taken out of school. I laugh to myself when I think of what is important to children. So, without telling them, I asked the secretary to call them out of their classes. I waited in Sherman to watch. This was them running out of school!

They jumped in the car and were so anxious, nervous, excited, you name it. Thomas wondered if I could really do this. I told him, yes, I could.

We drove over to the cemetery where we buried Joseph. It's only a few blocks from school. As we pulled into the cemetery I told the kids that we were going to celebrate the feast of All Souls Day by going to visit Joseph's grave and have a pie picinic.

It was darling to hear them. There was a constant stream of, I can't wait to tell so and so that I get to eat pie, I can't believe we are doing this, this is awesome...

Once we prayed for Joseph and all the unborn babies, and ate our pie, we wandered over to the older side of the cemetery. It was the most perfect day outside. No wind, clear blue skies, beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows, and the crunching of the fallen leaves as we weaved in and out of the tombstones.

We looked to see which was the oldest one we could find. We found a gentleman who died in 1885.

It was the most beautiful experience for me today. Walking though a cemetery on this lovely day amongst those who have died, while I am living. I get to live this day. I get to see the beauty of the moment, the blue sky, the bright colors, see my children wandering around with sticks in their hands and bending down to pick up acorns to throw. And yet, I always feel a bit sad on this day. Death scares me. Losing loved ones terrifies me. Especially since losing Joseph, I feel the sadness a little more. I was very inspired the other day when a friend of mine told me that his grandfather just found out that he has a few months to live. I told him how sorry I was to hear the news. His response was, this is what my grandfather has been preparing for, for years now. He's ready. Death. Not an ending, but eternal life. That inspired me.

We lit a special candle for dinner. It has the names of all our relatives and friends who have died. We prayed especially for them.

Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen

Thank you God for these two beautiful days and the many ways we are reminded to live out our faith. Thank you for the heavenly saints and their example of courage and love. Thank you for the time spent with our loved ones before they left this earth.

precious feet

You would have been born today, Joseph. August 11th was your due date, but as I write this I'm smiling to myself. Three of your siblings were born one week late....and I'm sure you would have followed suit as well. I'll say this over and over for the rest of my life, you have changed me. Your little life of 10 weeks, changed my whole life.

Laura and Jarod gave us this pin which is the exact size and shape of a 10 week unborn baby's feet. You were 10 weeks when I held you. So very tiny, so very precious.
I will wear this pin today and think of you. Think of who you would have looked like, how Evelyn and all the kids would have responded to you, seeing Thomas hold a new baby, how you would have smelled all fresh and new. But I'm not dwelling on the sadness. I'm so grateful that God gave us this cross. I can say that now. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be reminded how precious life truly is. It's a gift. Not something we choose. We don't pick when to have a child, if it's a boy or a girl, what their personality is like. We take what we are given from God. What we are given. That's why it pains me to hear men and women say we are done having children. As if we can choose. Why would we not want to receive everything we can from God, who is the giver of all. It's like saying on Christmas morning, no thanks, I don't want to open that large, beautifully wrapped gift sitting there with my name on it under the tree. I'm done. I've had enough gifts. No thanks.
I guess I'd rather be open to receiving as many gifts as possible. Call me greedy. And now I can look back and see that even losing a child, can be a gift from God.

Your tiny casket and the beautiful bouquet of flowers from the Rutledges. Thank you so much John and Jillian. You are so very thoughtful.

Visiting your grave on Mother's day.

We showed the kids your picture for the first time on Mother's day. I was so nervous to show you to them, I was worried that they would be scared to see their brother, whom we had talked about so much, looking so small and different. They weren't scared or grossed out at all. They just looked and looked at you. We showed them all your parts...your eyes, ears, nose, tiny hands and feet. Thomas wondered where your hair was.

My parents gave us a card yesterday, remembering today's date. They are having the Pink Sisters pray for Joseph and lit two candles for him. Thank you mom and dad for remembering. I got a call from Lindsay saying that they are praying for us and celebrating Joseph's life today. Janel stopped by this morning. Coffee, flowers and card in hand. She remembered today. TJ and I want to thank ALL of you that have prayed for us, thought of us, and helped us through these past few months. Your kind words and thoughts have touched us tremondously. My heart is overflowing with gratitude for wonderful, wonderful family and friends.

I'm offering my day today for all mother's who have lost a child. Whether at 10 weeks, 25 weeks, two years old, or twenty. It's all the same. It's a life. A very precious life.

A Miscarriage Prayer

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord- dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents' face- it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

"Why, My child-do you ask why? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind, he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty- he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth."

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool-forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-Mother M. Angelica