5.03.2014

It hurts.



If God gave mother's insight into the suffering, pain, worry and anxiety that inevitably goes along with having and raising children BEFORE having them, I would have never done it.  Never would have had a child, let alone five.  Six actually with our Joseph who is already in heaven.  Never would have signed up for it.  Never.  Never ever.
That's why I'm so glad He has designed motherhood for us to be blissfully unaware of the heart wrenching moments.  He wants us to trust Him after all.
Oh, but let me tell you it's hard...so hard as all mothers know.  Dreadfully hard.  When our precious ones get hurt, sick, fall behind, make deadly choices that affect both their body and soul...it can drain the life out of a mother.  Wash away the excitement, fun, hope, and pure joy that having children brings.

For the past two and a half months Thomas has been suffering from Tics, a disorder that has caused his body to go through severe jerking movements.  He has a continual headache, and his body is sore. Not to mention he jerks so hard and uncontrollably that he bites the inside of his mouth and almost knocked over his desk at school.  We have seen multiple neurology specialists, had an MRI and EEG done,  tried six different medications, been to the emergency room twice, Boys Town hospital, and spent three days at Children's hospital in Omaha.  He's had more blood drawn and IV's than he'll ever care to remember.
(After his first ER visit we got him a tower to build and his grandpa also gave him a catapult to build!)

The most difficult part I think is having to watch him hurt and know there is nothing I can do to fix it.  I couldn't make the jerking stop, I couldn't even find comfort in giving him an ibuprofen to give him relief from his headache.  Nothing was working.  
(Getting his EEG done)

(He had to be put under for the MRI)

He has not been at school for a full day in weeks, and we decided to finish off the year with a home bound tutor.  The noise at school is just too loud and between the jerking and the drowsiness, a side effect from all the drugs he's tried, it's just too much for him.  


I am grateful for the extra time he has been home though.  He is pretty drowsy all day and his head hurts nonstop, but he usually turns on the Food Channel or watches "Leave it to Beaver" on Netflix.  He's been experimenting in the kitchen too.  The other night I was making a turkey for dinner and he thought we should have gravy to go with it.  He proceeds to find a recipe and make gravy.  We all loved it so much and after dousing our dinners with it, TJ asks him what was in it.  Come to find out that he doubled the butter on accident...sure did make for one tasty gravy!  Food is something that makes him happy, and when his days are spent mostly not feeling well, we give him all the food he wants!  

I am so grateful for TJ and am reminded of this especially now. He is so good with Thomas.  He doesn't panic and freak out as intense as I do.  When Thomas needed to be taken to the emergency room, TJ grabbed him and off they went well I blubbered at home. Then when Thomas needed to be taken by ambulance from Lincoln to Children's Hospital in Omaha, TJ was the one to ride with him and keep him calm.  

I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with his dividing my attention between Thomas who desperately needs it right now, and our other children who still need me as well .

(Getting to go to the fun room at Children's hospital to play the wii )

What kills me the most is the look in his eyes when he doesn't feel good.  It's this desperate look for me to help him, and I can't.  

(I love this picture... Look at the words on his shirt!)

Came across this while reading in "The Imitation of Christ" today....perfect, of course.

"Christ: My child, permit Me to do with you what I will, for I know what is best for you....
Disciple: Lord, everything you say is true. Your providence is far better for me than any care I can take myself.  Those who do not put all their trust in you run a great risk of falling.  Therefore the Lord, if only my will remain firmly fixed in you, do with me as you please, for whatever you do with me and be good.  If it is your will that I'd be in light, may you be blessed, Lord but if it is your will that I be in darkness, may you also be blessed.  If in your mercy you comfort me, be you blessed, but if it is your will that I be afflicted, still be you always blessed.
Christ: my child, this is how you must stand if you want to walk beside me, you must be as ready to suffer as to rejoice, as willing to be needy and poor as to be rich and have abundance.  
Disciple: Lord, I willingly bear for you whatever you are pleased to give me. With indifference I will take from your hand good and bad, bitter and sweet, joy and sorrow, and for all these things that may happen to me, I thank you with all my heart."

4 comments:

Smiler #1 said...

Beautiful. It is impossible to not feel abundantly loved by you, by TJ, & by God. You are such amazing parents! Know that he & your whole family are in our prayers. I hope you find answers & healing very soon. Hugs to you!

Renee said...

We pray every day for his healing.

Renee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

Prayers for your family and especially Thomas!