Sometimes It's Just Hard

I celebrated my thirty fifth birthday today. Thirty five years old.   I feel like I just turned twenty five....how can that be? 

But we didn't celebrate my birthday like I had hoped we would.  Instead of breakfast in bed, which I was so looking forward to, everyone slept in until 8:30 since both TJ and I were up ALL night.  TJ took care of  Evelyn who had the stomach flu, and I was with Pete on the couch.  It was a long night.

I knew from the moment that I cracked open one red eye this morning, that today would not be about me and I was alright with that.  We had a sick one to take care of.  TJ immediately started cleaning bathrooms, while I started in on the laundry.  The kids were sent downstairs to watch a movie while we cleaned up and took care of Evelyn.  We had to split up for Mass.  We were out of diapers and wipes and food, so Thomas and I went to the grocery store after mass.  At one point while we were at the store, I noticed from the extreme pain in my stomach that I had not eaten or drank anything yet that day and it was already eleven thirty.  I couldn't hook Pete's car seat in the top of the shopping cart, so I had to put him in the main part of the cart, leaving no room for groceries.  We had to pile the food all around him and when he started screaming I momentarily panicked because there was no way I could get him out of his seat.  He was drowning in food.

I cried a lot tonight.  Not because I was sad about my birthday not being the perfect day, no it was more about being anxious that Evelyn was sick, sad that I had yelled at the kids today, I was extremely tired, a little depressed about turning thirty five, and my body was on a sugar high from consuming two doughnuts, a whole package of peanut M&M's, peanut butter on a banana, and a popsicle, along with two big sugar cookies.  I was starving, remember?  I have also felt off because I haven't been able to work out or sweat since having Pete.  I realize that my body needs time to heal, but when you go from working out every day, to nothing, and eating the amount of food I have been lately, I wish I were able to workout and sweat.

But enough of my pity party.

What I want to remember from this day is that sometimes life is just hard.  Sometimes it just stinks and there is no way around it.  Things don't go our way all the time.  It's just part of life.  It's about having five children.  We are in the middle of raising young people and sometimes we just have to roll up our sleeves and dig in.  And I understand that.  But sometimes it's still hard, and that's okay.  Cleaning up throw up in the middle of the night is never fun, I don't care who you are.  Having the flu make it's way through your children is never fun.  But that doesn't make me wish we didn't have five children.  That doesn't stop us from being open to life.   TJ said to me tonight, "I know this birthday is no fun for you, and didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, but we have our five children and were in the middle of it all.  We're doing it together.  We're still making a gourmet meal and celebrating your birthday in the midst of the flu.  We're doing it together."  That comforted me so much.  He's right.  We are together in this phase of life that is hard.  I'm so thankful for him. 

And despite the turn of events for the day, he tried so hard to make my day still special.  He asked me all day long what he could do for me,  when Thomas and I came home from Mass, he had hung up  birthday signs around the kitchen that the kids drew for me, had presents wrapped and ready for me to open on the counter, cleaned the bathrooms for me, took all the kids to Thomas' basketball game so I could take a nap, bought me new running shoes and running outfits for my birthday, and made a gourmet meal of tuna steak on top of rice.  The night before he made us lobster tails for dinner!  It was so wonderful.  I truly appreciate all his efforts and the fact that he had been up all night with Evelyn, I know he was just as tired as me, if not more, but he never showed it.

I'm so grateful to have TJ along with me.  God bless him for all that he does for me.  And though he will never understand the tears that come for a few weeks after having a baby, he always tries to understand me and make me feel better.

I am desperately going to try and welcome thirty five.  I'm going to start over tomorrow, grateful that I have another day to live, grateful for my husband and our children.  And try and remember that it's okay when life gets hard.  It's okay when life doesn't go the way you plan for it to go.  I still may have anxiety about sickness, but at least I have these wonderful little people and my husband to get through the difficult times together.


fullofgracex7 said...

Would it be cliche to tell you "These are the best years of your life?" It's not fun when it's hard, but you have such an amazing ability to roll with the punches, and so many people admire that about you. I also know that you know that for all the hard stuff there is the stuff that is over-the-top wonderful. My heart hurts for you because I know how it feels. My day is offered for you today, and so are my prayers. Your 35th year will be full of fun and blessings I'm sure of it!! (and considering how it started, it can only get better, right??) Much love to you!

Renee said...

Happy birthday, Kristi. Be as easy on yourself as you would be for one of your friends - sleep deprivation plus postpartum hormones plus a sick kid plus everything else ON your birthday...I can't think of a better time to ask for a pity party.

I'm glad there were some bright spots in the day for you, and also! I know you're going to rock 35.

Kari Lee said...

Happy happy birthday Kristi and congratulations on your newest blessing from Above. He's truly beautiful. Amidst all of the trials from yesterday, just remind yourself that you could be 36 1/2 like me.... HA! hugs!