Sweet Anticipation

Tonight TJ and I were given a gift.

My mom came over to watch the kids while we went out....alone.  It's a gift because it rarely happens around these parts, TJ and I spending time alone.  We need to find ourselves a young girl who has all the time in the world to come and watch our children...still working on it.  But for tonight, my mom was graciously willing to come and be with our four, while we were just two.  Me and him, him and me.  And where do you think we went of course....the Oven.  I was a bit bummed before going out because out of all the nights I've been feeling good lately, tonight wasn't one of them.  I started feeling ucky before TJ got home, but willed it to go away.  Even broke out the smelling a lemon trick which Evelyn thought was pretty fun to take the lemon away from me and lick it,then proceed to spit all over me, again and again.  And while I had no ambition in me to move away from her, I sat there and allowed myself to be showered with lemon spit.

But once we were in the car and off, I started to feel better!  I bet you think we are crazy, how much we eat the Oven (Indian food) for dinner.  We can't help ourselves, we love it that much.  Always getting the same EXACT meal, every single time.  The night's where it's just the two of us, we like to travel to the downtown location so we can reminisce about our very first date, almost twelve years ago.  It's a bonus when we get seated in the very same spot we sat in that first night.  Tonight was a bonus!  I always sit on the same side, it wouldn't feel right if we switched seats, you know.  
After we had ordered, I sat listening to TJ talk about all his going ons at work and then we moved into the children and then started talking about the new baby.  I'm only 11 weeks along, but am already so very excited for this child.  TJ asked me if I ever worry about it being hard after we have the baby.  I do.  I know that after the initial excitement of the new person is over, and TJ is back at work, and the routine of daily life settles back in, and the fact that it will be winter, I will realize the weight of five children.  But I told him, I still am more excited to have five children than worry about if we can do it or not.  We can, and we will, I'm sure of it.  There will be much joy.  Watching Thomas and Annie carry the little bambino around, and how they smell the baby...that is joy.  Watching Evelyn metamorph into a big girl, that is joy.  Taking couch pictures of them all lined up...five of them....that is joy. 

As we were leaving dinner, I thought of my friend Erin who just had her fourth child this afternoon.  We were heading over to the mall to pick up a suit for TJ which just happens to be right over by the hospital....before we knew it, we were walking the long walk down the hallway into the hospital.  For those of you who know what I mean, the long hallway is very significant.  Whenever I walk that way into the hospital I think of the four times I have waddled down the never ending hallway as we are heading into have our newest member of the family.  I thought about that tonight as we were going in to see Erin.  Talk about joy.  Seeing, smelling and holding a newborn.

I have delivered my four children at the same hospital.  I loved being at the hospital each time.  I cried when we were discharged with Thomas because I didn't want to leave.  Months after having Thomas I couldn't even drive by the hospital without feeling a pang of sadness that it was over.  My life forever changed at that beautiful place.  Even today, when I go and visit friends who have just had babies and I wash my hands, I am brought instantly back to being there to deliver my babies.  Just the smell of the hospital soap can still bring a tear to my eye.  When I came home tonight, I sat there and just smelled and smelled my hands.
Erin looked so beautiful tonight.  I truly think that is when a woman is her best, right after having a baby.  It doesn't matter how difficult or long the labor is, she always has the glow of new mother about her.  I love to watch new mothers hold their little burrito baby and stare into their face, because that is exactly what I spend my hospital stay doing.  Staring, holding, unwrapping, wrapping up this sweet tiny person.  I left the hospital tonight with sweet anticipation.  Hoping for January to come and wondering how our birthing experience of number five will be. 

 I used to stop myself from thinking too far ahead about this child out of fear that we could lose this baby too.  But now, I've pretty much gotten over the negative thoughts about what if....what if we miscarry this baby....what if he/she is still born....what if something goes wrong....what if I start bleeding....I'm trusting in God's plan.  Trusting.  We have grown and learned so much after losing Joseph. 

God's will be done.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can close my eyes and smell the smells you refer to and see the walls of the hallway and feel my own body walking down it over and over. My heart longs for it and it is funny how when I'm most frustrated at home and feeling that seven is enough and that I should put all thoughts of more away, I read or see something that truly makes me feel as if I'm missing out if I decide it is my decision rather than God's. There has to be a reason that I still have a desire. :)

I'm so glad that you got to steal away some time for the two of you. I wish we lived closer...I know boys who would love for you to go out often. :)