One Year Ago.

Even though I am tired, I can't sleep.  One year ago, at this very moment, I was being whisked away from our house on a very cold and snowy night, in an ambulance.  One year ago, this night, I miscarried Joseph.  It was around 11:00pm and TJ and I were together, our children asleep upstairs.  We got to hold and see our precious fifth child.  I've never experienced such heart wrenching sadness with losing a child and never getting to know him, such fear about what was happening to my body, and such amazement in seeing his tiny body.....all wrapped in one.  I was riding this wave of emotions, as I'm sure every mother does who loses a child.

As I was kneeling down tonight, thinking and talking with God, I kept wondering WHO he would have been.  He would be almost six months old.  Would he have looked like George and Thomas?  Would he have been fat  like my other babies?  Would Evelyn look different to me, not being the youngest anymore?  Would he have any allergies?  Would he even have been a HE?  I didn't know for certain that he was a boy..... 

TJ said tonight that it feels like more than a year has passed since then.  Time is such a funny thing.  How different the same night can be one year later.  I do know that I am trying with all my might to let God direct and lead me.  I am trying like hell, to surrender my plan to His.  Why is that so hard?  I thought for sure.... for sure, that I would have been pregnant by now.  That we would somehow have been rewarded quickly with another child after losing Joseph.  I'm not pregnant.  It doesn't always work that way.

I know that I desperately want to be content with what God gives me.  After all, He knows....He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega.  Could I possibly know better?  I don't want to miss out on what He is giving me, by always wanting something else. 

My life is full.  And I am blessed.


Kari Lee said...

quiet tears for your loss and sadness and quiet joy for your strength and words that help my heart. You are blessed - we are all so blessed. It IS enough. Hugs Kristi.

Smiler #1 said...

God bless you, Kristi!

Ever since my sister lost her baby just a few hours after birth, the whole family celebrates her birthday together. They each light a candle at Church, then take balloons, flowers, drawings, etc. out to the cemetery to visit her grave. They pray to their little St. Mary Anne. They even eat cake & ice cream there to celebrate her birthday in Heaven. It's beautiful. It's also a great way to always remember her & talk about her so they can all heal. That's one thing I hadn't thought about much was the brothers & sisters grieving. I hope you can find a way to bring peace to your heart as well. :)

Praying for you all...
=] robyn

Laura said...

if we could all have your perspective on life. it's hard, but you are so right. Love you.

Laura said...

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'

Give thanks for what God has done in your life. As we reflect on the past, good or bad, we shouldn't hold on to it; holding on just keeps us from moving ahead to what He has for us in the future!

I just read this and thought it might help.

Aubrey said...

I still think of little Joseph often. I'm glad that you are okay, physically, and hope that God blesses you with many more children to fill your heart and your home. Thank you for sharing his story with us!

Stephanie said...

Anniversaries are tough. Prayers for you and your family! I often reflect on the fact that although Mary only had one child to love, through Him she is a mother to the masses. It is one thing to know logically the goodness of God's plans but the quandary of how to practically live them out with a peaceful heart is quite another. I think Laura is right, embracing the present moment is key, but so hard! Here is prayer attributed to St. Jane Frances de Chantal that has helped me:
Today, when any thoughts or worries come to mind, send them out into the ocean of God's love that surrounds you and lose them there. If any feelings come into your heart -- grief, fear, even joy or longing, send those out into the ocean of God's love. Finally, send your whole self, like a drop, into God. There is no past no future, here or there. There is only the infinite ocean of God.
God bless you!