Even though I am tired, I can't sleep. One year ago, at this very moment, I was being whisked away from our house on a very cold and snowy night, in an ambulance. One year ago, this night, I miscarried Joseph. It was around 11:00pm and TJ and I were together, our children asleep upstairs. We got to hold and see our precious fifth child. I've never experienced such heart wrenching sadness with losing a child and never getting to know him, such fear about what was happening to my body, and such amazement in seeing his tiny body.....all wrapped in one. I was riding this wave of emotions, as I'm sure every mother does who loses a child.
As I was kneeling down tonight, thinking and talking with God, I kept wondering WHO he would have been. He would be almost six months old. Would he have looked like George and Thomas? Would he have been fat like my other babies? Would Evelyn look different to me, not being the youngest anymore? Would he have any allergies? Would he even have been a HE? I didn't know for certain that he was a boy.....
TJ said tonight that it feels like more than a year has passed since then. Time is such a funny thing. How different the same night can be one year later. I do know that I am trying with all my might to let God direct and lead me. I am trying like hell, to surrender my plan to His. Why is that so hard? I thought for sure.... for sure, that I would have been pregnant by now. That we would somehow have been rewarded quickly with another child after losing Joseph. I'm not pregnant. It doesn't always work that way.
I know that I desperately want to be content with what God gives me. After all, He knows....He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega. Could I possibly know better? I don't want to miss out on what He is giving me, by always wanting something else.
My life is full. And I am blessed.