precious feet

You would have been born today, Joseph. August 11th was your due date, but as I write this I'm smiling to myself. Three of your siblings were born one week late....and I'm sure you would have followed suit as well. I'll say this over and over for the rest of my life, you have changed me. Your little life of 10 weeks, changed my whole life.

Laura and Jarod gave us this pin which is the exact size and shape of a 10 week unborn baby's feet. You were 10 weeks when I held you. So very tiny, so very precious.
I will wear this pin today and think of you. Think of who you would have looked like, how Evelyn and all the kids would have responded to you, seeing Thomas hold a new baby, how you would have smelled all fresh and new. But I'm not dwelling on the sadness. I'm so grateful that God gave us this cross. I can say that now. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be reminded how precious life truly is. It's a gift. Not something we choose. We don't pick when to have a child, if it's a boy or a girl, what their personality is like. We take what we are given from God. What we are given. That's why it pains me to hear men and women say we are done having children. As if we can choose. Why would we not want to receive everything we can from God, who is the giver of all. It's like saying on Christmas morning, no thanks, I don't want to open that large, beautifully wrapped gift sitting there with my name on it under the tree. I'm done. I've had enough gifts. No thanks.
I guess I'd rather be open to receiving as many gifts as possible. Call me greedy. And now I can look back and see that even losing a child, can be a gift from God.

Your tiny casket and the beautiful bouquet of flowers from the Rutledges. Thank you so much John and Jillian. You are so very thoughtful.

Visiting your grave on Mother's day.

We showed the kids your picture for the first time on Mother's day. I was so nervous to show you to them, I was worried that they would be scared to see their brother, whom we had talked about so much, looking so small and different. They weren't scared or grossed out at all. They just looked and looked at you. We showed them all your parts...your eyes, ears, nose, tiny hands and feet. Thomas wondered where your hair was.

My parents gave us a card yesterday, remembering today's date. They are having the Pink Sisters pray for Joseph and lit two candles for him. Thank you mom and dad for remembering. I got a call from Lindsay saying that they are praying for us and celebrating Joseph's life today. Janel stopped by this morning. Coffee, flowers and card in hand. She remembered today. TJ and I want to thank ALL of you that have prayed for us, thought of us, and helped us through these past few months. Your kind words and thoughts have touched us tremondously. My heart is overflowing with gratitude for wonderful, wonderful family and friends.

I'm offering my day today for all mother's who have lost a child. Whether at 10 weeks, 25 weeks, two years old, or twenty. It's all the same. It's a life. A very precious life.

A Miscarriage Prayer
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord- dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents' face- it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
"Why, My child-do you ask why? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind, he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty- he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth."
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool-forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
-Mother M. Angelica


sogladimhere said...

Thank you for sharing Joseph with us, Kristi.

Reading this makes my own pain raw again...I'm crying my eyes out missing my own babies. Life is beautiful, and much of the beauty is born from pain, so I too will try to accept it graciously.

Praying for you today.

Stephanie said...

Prayers for you and your family!

Kari Lee said...

I've been thinking about you and your family and smiling at the thought of a little Casady up in Heaven - you're complete trust and faith is such an inspiration and a gift. Many hugs to you! Lovely, lovely pictures.

Amy said...

Offering prayers for you Kristi!

Jenn said...

I thought about you all day yesterday and know we are praying for you and your little Joseph. Life is a gift, something we ourselves have come to know more deeply through our own crosses. God bless you Kristi, you are truly a wonderful and holy mother.